On October 13th, three months ago, Patrice and I celebrated our wedding at our house on Iron Fist. January 13th ended with misunderstanding and miscommunication, mostly on my part. I'm not going to go into the details of what led to it. I bare my soul and occasionally some skin in this blog, but some things I'm just going to keep to myself.
I went onto Second Life very late, after First Life dinner guests had left, just to make some final changes to my new sky-office (more on that later). I didn't expect that Patrice, who is three time zones east of me, would still be online. She was, but she was very tired. I got upset about something that should not have bothered me. I tried to settle myself but only made things worse. Finally, I thought I was saying the right things and not a lot of nonsense. I was about to give Patrice a hug when she said she had to go and suddenly vanished.
Ouch! I wrote an apologetic e-mail (we have an e-mail lifeline). I went to bed worried. I was so tired that I slept OK, but as soon as I woke up, I was filled with anxiety again. I couldn't eat breakfast. I went into SL. I wrote another e-mail. Did I write two? I went into SL again. Patrice had not logged in since the previous day. I logged out and tried to distract myself with FL work that I really needed to do anyway. I kept checking Hotmail. Finally, I got a message from Patrice. She had vanished so quickly because she was exhausted, and it was very late. I went in world and talked to her. All the craziness was mainly in my own head.
It is so easy for this sort of thing to happen in SL.
In FL, I am fairly calm and rational. I have strong emotions, but they do not rule my head. I am in a stable yet still fun and exciting relationship even after [mumble] years (more than I'm going to tell you). The only drama I like is on screen or on stage. Yet in SL, my emotions sometimes get the better of me, and I make things worse before they get better. I act like an idiot. I want to be a good wife, partner, lover, and friend to Patrice, but instead I become a liability.
And I can't even blame hormones this time.
Patrice is forgiving. She is understanding. I am so lucky to be with her. I hope I do a few right things before I do something wrong again. Truth be told, each of us has had times like this, when insecurities get the best of us, when we doubt ourselves. Thankfully, so far, our down times have not coincided.
This evening, we will dress up fancy and go out dancing with friends to Jade's Jazz Lounge. I will be strong. I will tell those demons to take a hike. I will try not to make the same mistakes again. If I make only new ones, then I know I'm learning!